Bored + Restless

Word of the day: Nuture.

Nurturing my little back to health — thanks breastmilk.

Nurturing big emotions and witnessing my community support our children through it.

Taking space for rest.

I need so much rest. And I MISS BEING BORED. I need like two weeks vacation. No humans. Just me.

1 week in a cabin somewhere.
1 week in my home alone.

I need to get lost. Be forced to sit in my discomfort.

It’s part of my process. Truly. I need space to grieve regularly, to get lost and work through my anxiety, really connect back to myself.

It’s like motherhood makes it taboo for the need for me to take space. To get lost and find my way back. I need to work and interact with people separate from my family.

I want my own autonomy.

I must work at experiencing separation from the family. Not out of — I don’t want them, but out of I need space for the whole me.

When I’m starved of that, I wonder if that’s why couples after long periods of time choose to leave the relationship. It’s hard to give space, it’s hard to say: hey go take you, forget about me. Forget about the kids. Just go be you for a week. Connect to that person who is just you.

What I hope to find in that space is security in my soul with being just be. I hope to have aha moments around perspective on whatever stories or narratives are coming up.

There’s something after this intense year that has become exceptionally clear to me, I must experience myself away from distractions.

I need the discomfort to remember who I am, and what I want. If I don’t live that, I do not experience perspective the way I need to, and it’s a whole body experience. When I know something, I know it through and through.

The critic of “oh that’s not worth saying or sharing”, I’m learning to recognize what is the difference between the critic and intuition.

Maybe when my intuition kicks in, it’s a way of the universe is communicating to me, when my voice kicks in it’s my conscious talking, and when it’s this cranky hangry chain smoking broad chiming in it’s my judgemental critic.

Fascinating. It’s taken time to recognize the voices. The conversations happening so loud, it’s hard to hear who is talking.

Maybe that’s why I like efficiency, it cuts down the noise, energy, and time spent on the unimportant things so that I maximize the fun stuff I do. Pleasure. Joy. Expansion. That shit feels so good too.

It’s why I like to move on from things.
I don’t get joy from it anymore and want to move on.

A state of constant motion. But I like to linger and hang out for a long time. And then when I’m ready, I want to move on. But when I can’t get out from a situation I not only get cabin fever, but like a rabid wolverine. My being becomes so agitated I can’t sooth it. The dysregulation is exhausting because I’m not in my flow. And I’m trying to find ways/ use my brain power I think will work, instead of following what I want to do and let the rest fall into place.

I get scared at times where I’m not totally sure who I hear talking, and feel judged by my peers for listening to my intuition because what I want to do is against what society and how I set my life up?

Like deep deep deep down, I know when I’m following my path and when I’m not. And dude. When I’m not — I fucking know it.

I don’t know where this is going, but I know if I want to get there I need to change how I view it. I am needing a perspective shift, or shed something. It’s deep and profound. I can sense it, but it’s covered so many layers that I don’t know how to deal with them. And my perspective needs to change for me to figure out this problem. I can’t tell how far I am to figuring it out.

Capturing the Unseen, Finding Authenticity

In my fascinating journey of self-discovery, documentary photography took center stage. It was a passion that had been lingering in the shadows, urging me to capture moments that reflected the essence of a person's process, growth, and presence. These images were like time capsules, accurate depictions of specific moments, from the brand of soda on the table to the tropical plants in the background.

My desire to undertake projects that resonated with authenticity led me to form a team, a "circle" around me, dedicated to capturing the lives of those I encountered. The day-to-day facets of existence and the curiosity expressed on social media with phrases like "day in the life" and "behind the scenes" became my canvas. I took authenticity as a powerful force, which became the guiding light, and I reveled in unexpected moments, even embracing the challenges.

Armed with a strong intuition cultivated since childhood, my curiosity about photography became a beacon guiding my journey. The closure of my car accident case marked a turning point where I embraced the "F*** IT" mentality. I became a "Bexx of all trades," exploring diverse jobs and spaces, and gathering stories that would one day fill the chapters of my 85-year-old self's autobiography.

— Bexx

From Anger to Authenticity: Nurturing Emotional Well-being in the Face of Childhood Wounds

Growing up in an angry household leaves lasting scars. As someone who has experienced the impact firsthand, I understand the challenges of healing emotional wounds and nurturing our own well-being. Today, I find myself in a different place—surrounded by my loving partner, children, and a sense of inner strength. But this journey didn't happen by chance; it required setting boundaries, reinforcing them, and being clear on my expectations.

The Legacy of Anger:

In my childhood home, yelling and name-calling were the norm. It wasn't about patriarchal dominance, but rather the constant tension when my father was in a bad mood. My mother, raised in a strict Catholic boarding school, struggled to find her voice and stand up for herself. These dynamics shaped who I am today, and understanding their impact is crucial for our healing journey.

Finding Balance and Boundaries:

With my baby asleep in my arms, my other child with her face on an iPad, and my partner cooking dinner, I'm reminded of the intentional choices that brought us here. Setting boundaries and reinforcing them became vital. Through therapy, anti-depressants, support from friends, and open communication, we held ourselves together despite the challenges life threw at us. And yes, cannabis played a role too—it helped me navigate the complexities and find a sense of peace.

Uncovering Healing Methods:

For me, healing came through cannabis, meditation, therapy, and art. Honest dialogues with my therapist, confidants, and myself were transformative. I needed free time to sit with my emotions, to understand and listen to the messages they held. It wasn't about finding an ultimate truth, but rather discovering my own truth, my inner voice. The more I listened, the more it spoke, and the more it allowed me to express myself authentically.

Peeling Back the Layers:

Growing up in an angry home made it challenging to hear my inner voice. Instead, I relied on my instincts and emotions. But as I embraced mindfulness, engaged in yoga teacher training, and dedicated countless hours to therapy, I began building a relationship with myself. I learned to move past anger and engage in honest conversations that nurtured my vulnerability.

Becoming a Lighthouse:

My journey toward authenticity wasn't easy, but it has given me the confidence to be a beacon of light for others on their own paths. Through nine years of mindfulness practice, self-reflection, and dedication to my personal growth, I now stand firm as a guide for those seeking their own healing and inner peace.

In the end…

Healing childhood wounds and nurturing emotional well-being is a transformative journey. It requires setting boundaries, seeking therapy, engaging in honest dialogues, and embracing practices like meditation and art. By peeling back the layers and building a relationship with ourselves, we can find authenticity and become beacons of light for others. Remember, your journey is unique, and by listening to your inner voice, you can discover the path that leads to healing and emotional well-being.

Authenticity in a New Cycle: Embracing Growth and Transformation

In the journey of life, we often find ourselves at the threshold of new beginnings—a new cycle filled with opportunities for growth and transformation. As we step into uncharted territories, it becomes crucial to anchor ourselves in authenticity, allowing our true selves to shine through. In this blog post, we will explore the power of authenticity in embracing personal growth and transformation. By delving into topics such as intimacy, pleasure, vulnerability, boundaries, death, birth, and rebirth, we will unravel the interconnectedness of these aspects and discover how they contribute to our authenticity. So, let's embark on this journey of self-discovery with curiosity and openness.

Embracing Authenticity:

Authenticity forms the foundation for a meaningful and fulfilling life. It is the essence of aligning our actions, thoughts, and emotions with our true selves. As individuals seeking growth and transformation, we recognize the importance of embracing our authenticity to create a life that resonates deeply with who we are.

Intimacy and Vulnerability:

Intimacy allows us to form deep connections with others, but it requires vulnerability. By exploring the connections between intimacy and authenticity, we can understand how opening ourselves up to vulnerability allows us to cultivate genuine connections and embrace our true selves.

Pleasure as a Path to Authenticity:

Often, we underestimate the power of pleasure in our lives. By embracing pleasure and understanding its connection to authenticity, we can tap into our innate desires, passions, and joys. Exploring the realms of pleasure helps us connect with our truest selves and live in alignment with our values.

Setting Boundaries for Authenticity:

Boundaries are essential for maintaining our authenticity and well-being. By establishing healthy boundaries, we protect our values, needs, and energy. We will delve into the significance of setting boundaries and how they contribute to our growth and authenticity.

Navigating Life's Transitions: Death, Birth, and Rebirth:

Life is a cycle of constant change and transformation. By embracing the natural cycles of death, birth, and rebirth, we can navigate life's transitions with grace and authenticity. We will reflect on the lessons we learn from these transformative experiences and how they shape us into more authentic versions of ourselves.

Cultivating Self-Compassion:

Authenticity thrives in an environment of self-compassion. We will explore the importance of treating ourselves with kindness and understanding as we navigate the ups and downs of growth and transformation. By practicing self-compassion, we can embrace our vulnerabilities and foster self-growth.

Authenticity in Relationships:

Authenticity plays a vital role in our relationships. We will explore how being true to ourselves allows us to form deep and meaningful connections with others. We will also discuss the balance between intimacy and autonomy within relationships, nurturing both our individuality and our connections with others.

Harnessing the Power of Ritual:

Rituals have been used throughout history as a way to honor and mark significant life transitions. By incorporating rituals into our lives, we create meaningful moments that allow us to connect with our authentic selves and embrace growth and transformation.

In the end…

Embracing authenticity in a new cycle of growth and transformation is a powerful endeavor. By exploring the connections between intimacy, pleasure, vulnerability, boundaries, death, birth, and rebirth, we open ourselves up to deeper levels of understanding and self-discovery. Through curiosity, openness, and self-compassion, we can unlock our true potential and create a life that aligns with our authentic selves. As individuals, let us embrace this journey of growth and transformation with courage and embrace our authenticity every step of the way.