Lost myself in motherhood

So many women lose ourselves in motherhood. Enter in: The Rolling Fog. The transition of fading away from yourself, interests, passion right before your eyes.

At some point we all come to this crossroad and realize we've faded, lost our brightness, our will to fight for ourselves. Do you remember who you are? Your favourite tv show, hobbies, when you last got out for fresh air?

Motherhood is a constant onward push of: bum changes, feeding, sleepless nights, baby feedings, babysitting, and baby drop offs. We are the master comforter and doer of all. This is taxing. It drains us of compassion, emotion, connection, and stimulation.

When I was pregnant, I was so focused on preparing for Shoshanna that I neglected how to navigate this transition, and the capacity on this change on my personal growth. I spent much of my time looking for a place to live, as we were moving, packing, cleaning, and just trying to not drown in my life. I feel that mentorship within a sisterhood can help us navigate of this time in transition and rite of passage.

We all get it wrong before we get it right, to feel vulnerable is very unsettling. Once we transition to motherhood, we redefine ourselves. This whole undertaking is done with sleep deprivation, mental fog, hunger, exhaustion, emotions. A huge responsibility and we're forced to survive.

I forgot to be kind to myself, sometimes even angry. I would think things like, why bother showering when I won't leave the house? Why shave my legs when I don't feel sexy? I'll just wait for Whit to come home to bring dinner and not cook for myself. This went on for months. Some parts of me felt like I was unworthy, and for no real reason. Just an idea I wanted to believe, so I wouldn't have to be responsible for myself. I told myself this story.

I became an imposter. The amount of energy it took was everything I had that was left. You can't give long-term what you don't have. I am choosing to lead by example, getting back in the driver seat.

Sisterhood circles are to end the war of just surviving. We show our babies who we are when they see us connect with others. Your sisters are women that have gone before you, on their journey from motherhood and womanhood. We offer support, wisdom, and a safe place to just come and let your hair down.

xx. 

Work and life

Transition and walking through this journey is a day to day adventure.

 Before I got pregnant I had a different life, working full time, dragonboating, socializing, taking my dogs to the dog park, and watching tv.

 Then I got pregnant. Changing gears to no sports, going on medical leave, chilling with my pups, and still watching a lot of tv.

 Shoshanna arrives, and now walking into motherhood. For my pregnancy and birth I used a doula, without Beckie I could not have found my calling. She brought the best out of me.

 So I did doula training with a 4 week old baby, for 13 weeks, and here became the juggling act of baby, my own ambitions, work (at a new job), and life. I was really accustomed to driving all my undivided attention into one project, I can't do that anymore. I quickly realized that I need to assess my energy level and then plan for how I will spend it.

 It's not easy. Some days, I've got 4 burners going, but let's be honest, really only 1 is going, and the rest are simmering... At best...

 I still find myself struggling with assessing energy and where to spend it.

So what do I do?   Make a list, top 4 things I have to, then I pick top 2, and then which is either the most important, or fastest to complete.

 If you don't finish it, who cares? It'll be there later. You're one person, it's okay.

Worthwhile things are seldomly easy. Being anxious, worrying over small things, worrying about the future... These are all things out can't directly influence today.

I am learning and growing... Daily... Life is good.

Good talk. 

xx Erika