Bored + Restless
In the bustling life of a documentary photographer and mom in Kelowna, BC, I seek moments of solitude to reconnect with myself. These precious pauses are not just escapes but necessary paths to understand and nurture my whole being. As I navigate the complexities of motherhood and self-discovery, I'm learning to listen to my inner voice, distinguishing intuition from criticism. Join me in exploring these intimate spaces where personal growth and parental responsibilities intertwine, revealing the beauty of balancing self-care with caring for others.
Word of the day: Nuture.
Nurturing my little back to health — thanks breastmilk.
Nurturing big emotions and witnessing my community support our children through it.
Taking space for rest.
I need so much rest. And I MISS BEING BORED. I need like two weeks vacation. No humans. Just me.
1 week in a cabin somewhere.
1 week in my home alone.
I need to get lost. Be forced to sit in my discomfort.
It’s part of my process. Truly. I need space to grieve regularly, to get lost and work through my anxiety, really connect back to myself.
It’s like motherhood makes it taboo for the need for me to take space. To get lost and find my way back. I need to work and interact with people separate from my family.
I want my own autonomy.
I must work at experiencing separation from the family. Not out of — I don’t want them, but out of I need space for the whole me.
When I’m starved of that, I wonder if that’s why couples after long periods of time choose to leave the relationship. It’s hard to give space, it’s hard to say: hey go take you, forget about me. Forget about the kids. Just go be you for a week. Connect to that person who is just you.
What I hope to find in that space is security in my soul with being just be. I hope to have aha moments around perspective on whatever stories or narratives are coming up.
There’s something after this intense year that has become exceptionally clear to me, I must experience myself away from distractions.
I need the discomfort to remember who I am, and what I want. If I don’t live that, I do not experience perspective the way I need to, and it’s a whole body experience. When I know something, I know it through and through.
The critic of “oh that’s not worth saying or sharing”, I’m learning to recognize what is the difference between the critic and intuition.
Maybe when my intuition kicks in, it’s a way of the universe is communicating to me, when my voice kicks in it’s my conscious talking, and when it’s this cranky hangry chain smoking broad chiming in it’s my judgemental critic.
Fascinating. It’s taken time to recognize the voices. The conversations happening so loud, it’s hard to hear who is talking.
Maybe that’s why I like efficiency, it cuts down the noise, energy, and time spent on the unimportant things so that I maximize the fun stuff I do. Pleasure. Joy. Expansion. That shit feels so good too.
It’s why I like to move on from things.
I don’t get joy from it anymore and want to move on.
A state of constant motion. But I like to linger and hang out for a long time. And then when I’m ready, I want to move on. But when I can’t get out from a situation I not only get cabin fever, but like a rabid wolverine. My being becomes so agitated I can’t sooth it. The dysregulation is exhausting because I’m not in my flow. And I’m trying to find ways/ use my brain power I think will work, instead of following what I want to do and let the rest fall into place.
I get scared at times where I’m not totally sure who I hear talking, and feel judged by my peers for listening to my intuition because what I want to do is against what society and how I set my life up?
Like deep deep deep down, I know when I’m following my path and when I’m not. And dude. When I’m not — I fucking know it.
I don’t know where this is going, but I know if I want to get there I need to change how I view it. I am needing a perspective shift, or shed something. It’s deep and profound. I can sense it, but it’s covered so many layers that I don’t know how to deal with them. And my perspective needs to change for me to figure out this problem. I can’t tell how far I am to figuring it out.