My BFF is not the same as my Doula
Let me start by saying, I LOVE my mama, my sister, and BFF (all 3 of them). HOWEVER, I would not have had the amazingly empowering birth without them.
We all have different visions and wishes for birth: some want the whole family there, in their home, at a hospital, with just the partner and midwife/doctor, some want chatter, and friends that are able to offer support.
As a doula, we provide a special role in birth. Your BFF, mum, sister, or mother in-law may be able to comfort you while birthing, they will provide support in a different way.
A doula doesn't replace your closest support person, but supports YOUR birthing team.
Your doula has no emotional stake in your birth choices
As a doula, I support whatever you want, no personal agendas. I am here to hold the space around you so your birth can unfold in your own way.
We are trained to be non-judgemental and support your decision from c-section, epidural, home birth and any other options that feel safe to you.
When a family member or friend is supporting you, they can unknowingly spill their emotions, thoughts, and opinions that can influence you during a time of needing clarity and sanctuary. Birth is a very raw, primal, and emotional time that we often find self acceptance when others approve of our same choices and experiences.
Your doula is there for you, this is her jam, this is her calling.
Your doula is trained to assist in labour
A partner, BFF, or family member can be an integral part of birth by making the birthing person feel safe. But they most often can't assist the midwife or doctor.
A doula has done training and educating in a variety of situations and conditions. Knowing different comfort measures, tools, and supporting your team with pee breaks, sleep breaks, or tagging in and out on a double hip squeeze.
Midwives prefer to birth with doulas as we know how to work with them, familiar with lingo, familiar with how to support a birthing mother. This could be her 3rd day of on-call, you could be the 4th or 5th birth she is attending and is exhausted, hungry, and mentally drained. She might not be able to give you her all, where your doula is able to bridge that gap to have a beautiful birth.
Often times, families assume the midwife will be as hands on with emotional & physical support, when really that is the role of the doula. The midwife has to chart and monitor you, she needs to be recording times, duration, listening and assessing, which is difficult to do if she's rubbing your legs or back in the bathtub.
Labour is normal... for a doula
Women in labour can do and behave in vastly different ways... sometimes it can be unusual, scary, and uncomfortable to someone inexperienced in birth. Birthing women cry, vomit, poop, yell, moan, sing, and even dance. There is no "right" way to labour, we all do it in our own way. And it's ALL normal.
As a doula, we know this. A woman in transition can act very desperate, plead, or want to give up. For birthing professionals we recognize this as good progress. To her partner or mother, it could look like she's at the end of her rope. Labour is a process and while we all have a unique birth journey, but it is not an exact science. What might seem like the mother is maxed out and can't go on, we can sense how much further she can go.
Consider a partner, mum of the birthing person, best friend, it is hard to watch them what looks like suffering. Birthing isn't easy, it's natural process that takes time. We know it's hard work, which is why she needs all of her support.
Conversely, while emotions are a large part of birth, it is important to have someone that can be outside and unbiased to be able to step back in a situation. Being able to have the capacity to see the whole picture, without being tainted by history and relationships.
Women that have birthed feel a connection to others during pregnancy and partum. We have been supporting each other since forever-ago, having women with us who help us feel safe and empower is just common sense. The doula profession has been around as long as women have been birthing in one form or another.
I can assure you, as a doula, we do not replace mothers, sisters, partners, or best friends. My doula did not replace my partner or either of my best friends at my birth. I trusted her implicitly to help me go on. To help tame my wildness when I wanted to let go, give up, and give in.
Your birth team is on your side no matter what.
xx namaslay